my dietician told me today that i had lost 5 pounds since intake. that means i'm 115.0, bmi of 16.737. This is the first time I've been in the 16s in awhile. it really makes me just want to leave here and lose more weight. i don't really care what i would have to do for a job...i need to keep losing though at all costs. i messed up tonight by eating real food. i need to stick to Boost. i'm worried i'll get diabetes from all the sugar, though. maybe i'll ask my dietician on friday if that's possible.

i don't know how to keep this weight loss going. i'm going to have to start exercising. i'm so tired right now because of my meds. maybe i will get up early tomorrow morning and exercise...

i only have 10 more days until residential. i could potentially lose 5 pounds during that time if i tried hard enough. i dont want to go see that therapist again on wednesday. she just didn't resonate with me. i just wanted that hour to be over and of course she took longer than an hour. i just want to go be with spencer for a few days. i feel so guilty cutting my time short with my family though. i hate having to please more than one person. my family loves me more than spencer does, though. i feel guiltier leaving them than him because of that.

tonight spencer and i had a fight. i get so frustrated when he doesn't support me. he says he's just challenging me but i dont know why he continues to do it when i consistently tell him that i don't want or need to be challenged. i need him to be supportive.

i just looked at pictures of myself when i was 138 compared to pictures at 118. 20 pounds makes a big difference. i just need 15-20 more and then i'll be satisfied. i can't let the residential get me back up to 130. i just can't. i've worked so hard to get where i'm at now. i just need to buy some time until i can get a different job. if i didn't have to go to residential, i could lose more slowly and get to 105 by the end of January. i'm so close - just 13 pounds away. 18 pounds away from 100. if i could break 100 that would be so amazing. me, someone who's 5'10", under 100 pounds. i'm so close.

i have no fucking clue what i weigh right now. i'm paranoid it's not under 120. i just need to get to 105, but how am i supposed to do that when my parents got rid of the scale?? being in treatment for 6 weeks has not done good things for my weight. i wish i could get to 110 before i have to go to residential on the sixth but i dont think it's possible. there's no treadmill here and exercise is limited when i'm living in the middle of nowhere during a snowstorm. i really need to start doing exercises at night. 500 leg lifts, both legs, 500 sit ups, 100 push ups. that's what needs to happen every night before i'm allowed to go to bed.

Tomorrow I need to make myself a schedule:
9:15 - Wake up, get ready
10:15 - Church
12 - Lunch (100 cals soup, 50 cals vegetables, 50 cals fruit)
12:30 - Des Moines
3 - Snow with dogs
4 - Spencer's essays
5 - Dinner (120 cals veggie burger, 50 cals vegetables, 50 cals fruit)
5:30 - Spencer's essays
7 - Snack (90 cals bran flakes, 50 cals milk)
7:30 - Read
9 - Television
10:30 - Research careers on internet
12pm - Exercises
1am - Bed.

I wonder if I can push back my start date at McCallum. It would be lovely if I could get to 105 by then. Maybe then I could actually allow myself to recover...

Clinically diagnosed...

my therapist told me that even though i no longer consider myself anorexic, i still participate in disordered eating and clinically would still be considered an anoretic. she strongly recommended i see a dietitian and get some blood work done. ironically, after leaving my appointment, i was stopped by a photographer in the street who asked me if i wanted to be a model and gave me his card. creepster.

i haven't eaten since my appointment two days ago. i forgot how good it felt. 106.8, here i come.

i don't really want to think tonight because i'm doing okay emotionally, but today was a good day. everyone was happy. i had no appetite today. i hope it's gone for good. everything always works out when i don't eat. i hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow. i think that as long as i dont eat everything will be okay.

/I'd pray for her even more than him.

Angels have no thought of returning you/Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?

I don't know how much more I can do this. I don't know what else to do. I just wish he could be happy. That's all I want. I'd give up everything if he could just be happy. Sometimes I think that there always has to be a strong sibling in the family, so maybe if I get really sick then he would have to become the strong sibling and he couldn't even think about hurting himself anymore. One of us always has to take care of mom and dad. Maybe taking care of them would make him better. Maybe if I just stopped eating then he would have to take care of them. an eating disorder has to be a lot easier to handle than depression for my parents. at this point i feel like it's the only thing i can do. i just need him to stop hurting and maybe he needs a distraction. high school is an awful place for kids. no one can get through that without being scarred. i just want to fix everything for him and i can't and i'm so worried about him all the time. i love him so much and i would die if i lost him. even the thought of losing him in 80 years kills me. i just need to stop eating and then i'll have more control. my life is spiraling out of control and it's because i've been happy lately.

i took lexapro for the first time today. i'm a little nervous about it because choosing whether or not to go on lexapro is like choosing between lightness and weight. and to be honest, sometimes i like being in a depression state. my most creative self comes out. that doesn't sound right in words, but sometimes i just need that weight so that i can really feel things. like what's going on right now with benjamin. i love him and i'd never ever be able to feel completely light about this situation and being in the middle ground is just uncomfortable. i need to be in at least as much pain as he is while he's going through this. he's my brother and i would do anything in this world for him. i just wish i could help him. i don't know what to do.

i'm finally back on track with the weight loss, but i really need to get focused now. i weighed 126.6 on wednesday and i want to weigh 116 by Christmas. It's only about 0.3 pounds per day which is really doable. i love the idea of showing up extremely thin and with Spencer to Christmas with my family in stl. god, i miss spencer so much. i hope he can come over tomorrow night when he gets in. I just really need him to stay the night tomorrow.

Anyway, apparently I've been spending $600 on food every month, so I desperately need to cut down on that anyway. That way I can continue to spend $700 a month on clothes and still be financially okay. i really really really need to start running again, too. I basically have been able to leave at 6 or 7 every night from work, so there's really no excuse to not go.

this is going to be my daily plan from now until Christmas:
6:30 Wake up, shower, get dressed
7:30 Drink 1.5 cups of coffee and walk to bus
8:00 Work (3 glasses of water)
12:00 Get a Chai or cup of soup for lunch, relax
1:00 Work (4 glasses of water)
6:00 Commute
7:00 Run
7:45 Shower (more water)
8:30 Spencer (maybe an Amy's bowl for dinner)
12:00 Sleep

That's basically what I've been doing lately, so it shouldn't be such a stress. If my body feels like giving out, I might eat a little more. Actually, if I stuck to that plan, I'd be 102 by Christmas and my BMI would be 14.8. It's so much easier to lose weight in the winter. It's such a depressing time. Spencer is making me incredibly happy, though, which, oddly enough, is making me lose weight even faster because I never think about eating; I'm always thinking about him or hanging out with him.

i really want to go see the Nutcracker with Spencer. I bet he'll take me.

Okay, so the rule is, for every Friday that I'm on track, I get to buy myself something worth $100. Maybe next weekend I'll get a massage...or a new outfit. or maybe rachel will come up to go accessories shopping. we'll see what happens. i just have to make it a week. i really need to get my finances together.

Here's what I have to do tomorrow:
1) Put away clean dishes
2) Put dishes in dishwasher and clean
3) Put away those dishes
4) Take out trash
5) Do 5 loads of laundry
6) Put away laundry
7) Drop off dry cleaning
8) Create a budget that I actually stick to...

Okay, I'm going to try to get to bed so that I wake up at a decent time tomorrow.

i'm sitting in my apartment watching the chicago marathon out the window. i need to get back on track. desperately. i need to start running again. i need to come up with a plan that works for me. it was during this month last year that i lost the majority of my weight. i went from 135 to 126 by the end of november. i need to figure out a way to make this work with my new life.

i've been reading through my real journal and getting incredibly nostalgic for last year which is strange because i hated last year. it was just nice to have a support system. i feel like i have to build one all over again now.

i think i might have cancer. i keep getting these really sharp, awful pains on the left side of my abdomen, and yesterday morning i realized that the left side is about a half an inch higher than the right when i lay down. i've had the pain for a long time, but it's so sporadic that i never really thought much of it since it just happens for 5-10 seconds, maybe 3 times in the same day, but then won't happen again for 2 weeks or so. i should probably go to the doctor about it but i'll feel stupid if it's nothing.

anyway, i need to come up with a diet plan that works. it needs to be super flexible because of my job, but strict enough so that i don't mess up. maybe something like this: 1000 calories each day, run 3 days per week, do calisthenics 5 days per week.

i think that sounds good. it starts today.

Yesterday went pretty well. I had a little over 1000 calories, but I can fix that today. Today I need to do my laundry, take care of that damn AT&T bill, email my landlord, send in my absentee ballot, iron my clothes, and do some general cleaning. I'd like to spend some time at the lake and go for a walk, too. I need to make myself a schedule or I'll never do all of this.

10:00-10:30 Get ready
10:30-11:00 Separate clothes
11:00-11:15 Put in first load of laundry
11:15-11:45 Call AT&T, Email landlord, send in absentee ballot, submit time and expense report
11:45-12:00 Put clothes in dryer
12:00-12:30 Iron/Put away clothes that are clean
12:30-1:30 Get clothes from dryer, fold and put away
1:30-3:30 Get chai, go for a walk by the lake

Okay, that takes care of it until 3:30. I like the idea of having everything taken care of by tomorrow so that I can start fresh. I am starting fresh, in general, because I'm back to restricting again. I feel a lot better already, like everything is more under my control. And now that I've learned some coping skills from that last project, I shouldn't have problems during work. I even bought some fruit last night that I can take with me to the office, and my hoodia should be coming sometime this week. Things are just going to work out, and I'll be 125 by Friday. As long as I'm 125 on Friday, everything will be okay. I can control being 125 on Friday. It's all up to me.

Today I'm going to cook some vegetables and go buy some orange juice and apple cider for the week. Okay, it's almost 10 so I'm going to start my schedule